simplynot's Datingish

Newsflash: Moses wasn't a Christian (and neither was Thomas Jefferson)

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:41:38 GMT

I took a nap today and now I kinda wish I hadn't.
Unbeknownst to me, Dad was watching Fox News in the same room while I was asleep. Guess what I dreamed about!

I had a nightmare that the whole Unites States lost electricity while I was stuck at a small, crappy zoo with flying monkeys and really strong flying...cows or deer, not sure which. It was scary and one of my former Education professors worked there. So, even though apparently we were being attacked by our own government and falling into chaos, we still had internet access...weird.

Anyway, the whole time I'm running around trying to gather food and encouraging everyone to eat the cole slaw before it goes bad but no one can hear me because Bill O'Reilly is yelling about how he TOLD us the government was corrupt and he TOLD us the government was going to take all our money but NOOO BODY listened and he TOLD US SO!!!

I woke up exhausted.

And when I finally came to, who did I see on TV but Glenn Beck drawing stick figures on a chalk board talking about how church and state never should have been separated because the Ten Commandments are so freakin awesome. So awesome in fact, that Thomas Jefferson thought that our country's symbol should have been a pillar of fire, a chariot, and Moses with the Ten Commandments. Umm, first of all, that's way too busy! A simple eagle was a much better choice, I think. I'll get to Moses in a minute, but first Jefferson.

To be fair, I don't remember hearing Glenn use the word "Christian", so even though he annoys me, I'll let him off the hook this time. However, I sure as hell hear a lot of other people talk about how our founding fathers wanted a Christian nation and to them, I say this:

Thomas Jefferson was not a Christian. He had a lot of problems with the Bible and he actually went through the New Testament, analyzing it and taking out all the parts that he thought the early church fathers made up. The result was "The Jefferson Bible". Guess what's in the Jefferson Bible? Not much. The following is a quote from pbs.org:

"Who was the Jesus that Jefferson found? He was not the familiar figure of the New Testament. In Jefferson's Bible, there is no account of the beginning and the end of the Gospel story. There is no story of the annunciation, the virgin birth or the appearance of the angels to the shepherds. The resurrection is not even mentioned.

Jefferson discovered a Jesus who was a great Teacher of Common Sense. His message was the morality of absolute love and service. Its authenticity was not dependent upon the dogma of the Trinity or even the claim that Jesus was uniquely inspired by God." If you don't believe me, you can read the "Jefferson bible" for yourself. It's called The Life and Works of Jesus of Nazareth and you can read the whole thing for free on line.

Based on that alone, I seriously doubt that Jefferson was trying to turn the US into the Christian Nation© that the extreme religious right stays up at night masturbating to. Denying Jesus' virgin birth and resurrection doesn't exactly make you a Christian by today's definition of the term.

And the really obvious part of all this is: Why would anyone equate Moses with Christianity? Moses was not a Christian, because, newsflash, NOBODY WAS A CHRISTIAN BACK THEN! If this is new information, then let me further burst your bubble: neither were Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, King David, King Solomon, Queen Esther, Adam or Eve. You may equate Moses with Judaism if you'd like, because that would be more accurate, but to say the ten commandments are exclusively Christian is very, very off the mark.

To recap:
1. Thomas Jefferson was not a Christian.
2. Moses was not a Christian.
3. The Ten Commandments are not exclusively Christian. The Jews had them first.
4. If the Ten Commandments and Moses are what our country was supposedly founded upon, then I nominate Adam Sandler for president because he's the coolest Jew I can think of off the top of my head!

Note: If, in my still-sleepy state, I listed incorrect information, feel free to send me corrections and I'll post them. I like learning. :)

References:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion/jesus/jefferson.html
http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/JefJesu.html

Adventures in cross-cultural dating

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 03:55:44 GMT

So I was leaving my boyfriend's church today in my Explorer. There's a long, gravel driveway that seperates the road from the church. Well, I was distracted and I turned too soon to get onto the road, sending my car nose-first into the ditch!

So, I'm sitting there, explaining the situation to my grandmother, whom I was on the phone with when it happened I was scared because the car felt like it was going to flip. She advised me to get out of the car if I could and she and her husband would bring a chain to pull it out.

So, I got out and surveyed the situation. My car was at such an angle that it blocked traffic from entering or leaving the church. "Oh great..." I thought. "This is embarassing. I already feel like a dork because I don't speak their language and now they get to find out that my driving is as bad as my Spanish!"

As I was walking back, the pastor's son and mother drove up in a truck and insisted on giving me a ride back to the church. They were very nice and offered the use of the church's tractor.

They dropped me off at the front door and I slumped inside, not too excited about interrupting choir practice to tell my boyfriend I managed to drive head-first into a clearly avoidable ditch!
"What is it?" He asked.
"Ok, you can't laugh at me now. You can laugh later, but not now. My car is in the ditch." He and his dad walked out of the sanctuary while he told his dad in Spanish what happened.Soon, we were joined by his brother, who thought it was pretty funny and I have to admit, I was laughing nervously by that point too.

The kids who had been playing outside thought it was the coolest thing ever! It was like Santa Clause came! They all wanted to go see it themselves! Hector got in his truck to drive down to my car and 5 or 6 kids jumped in the back, eager for some Sunday afternoon entertainment. I climbed in the passenger seat.

"I'm so sorry. This is embarassing." I said.
My boyfriend grinned, "Aw, come on! Don't apologize! Look! (he pointed to the bed of the truck) Those kids are excited! This is fun for them!"
I groaned, "'It's not fun for me."

We arrived at the scene and Hector took a look at the front, grinning "We should take a picture!"
"No. We are NOT taking a picture." I insisted. The last thing I want is to be reminded that this ever happened.

A boy who looked about nine years old stood next to Hector. "Hey," he said "there should be a sticker on the front that says 'How's my Driving?'!" Witty kid, I must say. I smiled and playfully told him to shut up. The shocked look on his face said he didn't know I was kidding. I'm so good with kids I scare myself.

It was a short process. One guy jumped on the back bumper to weigh it down, my boyfriend put it in reverse and 4 kids + Hector's dad pushed from the front. The spectators cheered them on. They had it out of the ditch in less than a minute.

"That'll be $29.99!" said the witty nine-year old.

Valentine's Day in the summer

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:23:58 GMT

I believe that seasons have an effect on how people act and feel. For example, Seasonal Affective Disorder is depression experienced during the winter season as the days get shorter and people spend more time inside to escape the cold. And this is when we celebrate Valentine's Day: during the school year when, in most US states, it is cold outside.

What if Valentine's Day was switched to a summer holiday, say, in June or July? Would we celebrate it differently? Maybe fewer couples would break up over the summer. Maybe we would celebrate the holiday outside in nature instead of inside a restaurant.

Would there be Valentine's Day fireworks shows? Outdoor concerts? Would lovers go on picnics together? At the very least, it wouldn't be as bad for single students. The last thing you want to see is other students walking down the hallway with flowers and stuffed animals reminding you that you are single yet another year.

Valentine's Day in the summer. What do you think?

Where are the non conformists?

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 15:13:55 GMT

I know that I am in no place to judge anyone, but how will we ever discuss the important things in life ( expectations, for instance) without using examples of the people we know?

Last night my mom was relaying to me all the local news I missed while at college this week. I'm from a small town where gossip substitutes for an entertaiment industry. :) A local girl I'll call Lindsey is beautiful and popular and has well-known parents. Apparently now she's "seriously dating" a local sports star. Yes, raise your eyebrows, widen your eyes in admiration and whisper the word "sssserious." Isn't that impressive??? No, it's not.

I am tired of young people in the peak of their potentially rebellious years doing exactly what is expected of them! Where are the high society girls who finished college and joined the military? Where are the guys from military families who shocked their fathers by going to beauty school? Where are the first-generation non-alcoholics?

Someone shock me with a story of how you didn't follow "the script"!

"The Key to Happiness" bullshit/ the evolution of Christian culture

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:11:49 GMT

I had a pastor once who told me that other people are not the key to happiness. He said it's up to us to make ourselves happy, like through findng a hobby that makes us happy (his was golf) but that other people ultimately could not make us happy or unhappy.

At the time, of course, I just nodded. Now I think that's bullshit.

Other people can't make you happy, but golf can? Are you serious??

Maybe if you emotionally distance yourself from everyone who tries to get close to you and close yourself up in a world of objects that you can control, well then I guess you would be right. People can't make you happy or unhappy if you never give them the chance. Now that I'm sitting here at my keyboard mulling this over, remembering the conversation and recreating it for you to read, I realize why my pastor said that:

because that was how he lived his life.

He kept almost everyone at arms length. He wasn't a bad person, but life was not good to him early on and he found it easier to keep people out than to risk getting hurt again. Can't say I blame him, but it seems an aweful way to live your life.

This is the end of this realization. You can stop reading here if you want. I'm going to keep typing and making connections.

When I was coming of age in Christian culture, the "authentic community" movement hadn't started. We were still in the "Jesus Freak" movement. the Jesus Freak movement emphasized conforming to a set of behavioral rules (no drinking, smoking, promiscuity) and a certain keeping up of appearances:

1. be the happiest person at your school
2. be positive,
3. pray a lot
4. carry your Bible around with you
5. insert Jesus into everything you do
6. wear shirts and bracelets with bible verses on them

90's icons included: Josh McDowell, DC Talk, The Power Team (god help us), Ken Freeman (in my area), Ron Luce, True Love Waits and the WWJD bracelets. Oh, and the Left Behind book series.

It's a complete coincidence that I made my exit from the culture while it was in the midst of changing. Christian Culture has a different emphasis now with different icons. It doesn't seem to be so perfection-based and flashy. The 90's-early 2000's was an era of Christian culture jumping around, waving its arms shouting "Look at me! Look at me!! I'm cool!!"

We're now in 2009, and from my perspective (which is outside looking in), Christian culture (or at least a strong movement within) has changed its clothes from bright and flashy to earth tones and is now sitting in the back of a dimly-let coffee house alone, just looking around, absorbing the atmosphere and taking in the soul-stirring music that wafts in from a performer on stage playing acoustic guitar.

The biggest icon, in my opinion, is Rob Bell who is about as average and unassuming as it gets. He has these videos where he's just sitting and talking to the camera and people are fascinated by him. He pastors a huge church and writes books and unlike the 90's when you had to yell and announce your presence to get attention, Rob just sits and talks to his audience.

Maybe you haven't heard of Jay Bakker, but to me, he respresents the shift that has taken place in the last 20 years. His dad was/is a fundamentalist preacher in my former denimination. Very famous. Jay is a preacher now too, but he so fully believes in being authentic that he curses while he preaches. He is very open about the fact that he drinks and he supports gay marriage. I love Jay Bakker, in case you're wondering. To me, he's the link between the culture I grew up in and the new movement of authenticity within Christian culture.

Don Miller is another one. He's the author of the uber-famous "Blue Like Jazz" book. I read it, and I'm telling you this guy is not like Josh McDowell at all. Don Miller asks a bunch of questions and ponders the mysteries of God and life.And the honesty is shocking, like being woken up with cold water splashed in your face! The days of pedestals and keeping people at a distance seem to be waning. There's this movement toward authenticity, and since I'm not in the middle of it, I'm not sure how genuine it is, but it looks like a good sign from where I'm sitting.

Maybe, just maybe, Christians are warming up and beginning to not be afraid of getting close.

I have proof now! This week's engagement announcements:

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 02:40:50 GMT

Before, I was just guessing, but now I can preset to you the facts about marriage in my area of Arkansas!

This evening I read through the engagement announcements in the Sunday paper, and this is what I found!

There are 10 couples listed in the announcements (all hetero, of course, considering the area). I cannot say whether all of these women are getting married for the first time, but here are their high school graduation years:

2008
2006
1996
2006
2005
2000
One only lists which high school she "attended". Drop out? Maybe. Looks very young. Her fiancee is a 2005 grad.
One only lists her college degree. She looks reasonably young in the picture, but I can't guess with accuracy.
One lists that she graduated from high school, but no date. Looks young.

Well, that wasn't as factual as I had hoped. However, according to the commercial I just saw, if you're not ready to settle down, there's always OnlineBootyCall.com. See? You learned something. My blog is not a waste of your time.

Mysterious Shopper's Guide Items

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:42:26 GMT

Here's an intriguing entry in this week's shopper's guide:

Gallina Wedding dress size 4 and 2
David Bridals flower girl dresses
sizes 2T and 7 girls for sale, never
been worn.

Never been worn. Wow, I bet there's a story there!

Did the bride get sick of all the wedding planning and elope with her fiancee to Vegas a month before the ceremony?

Did the groom finally start listening to his friends who had been telling him for 2 years that his girl was cheating on him?

Did the bride come to the startling conclusion that she was getting married for all the wrong reasons?

Did the in-laws get together and decide to drive their children crazy to break up their children's engagement?

We'll never know, because I'm not calling that number and asking.

Why do you think these dresses were never worn?

I think there was a mixup at the Chinese child labor factory...

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 17:25:32 GMT

I found this door decal at The Dollar Tree yesterday! Something's not quite right...

Shotgun weddings and my plan to reduce teen pregnancy

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 04:53:30 GMT

While the median age of a woman's first marriage in the United States is around 25, I assure you that here in Arkansas we are not so patient!

I spent about 30 minutes on multiple search engines trying to find statistics about the average age of couples marrying in Arkansas, but to no avail. Screw you Yahoo, Ask.com, Bing and Live Search!! You are useless to me!

Since I can't cite any reliable sources, you'll have to take my word for it as a native Arkansan, girls marry young here! How young? My estimate is it's an average of 22 years old. To make my case, I will list the ages of all the girls I know who have gotten married in the last 5 years, names witheld:

My question is: Why?

Maybe it's a socioeconomic reason. We're a poor state, though not as bad as Mississippi (if it weren't for Miss. we'd be the worst at everything!) In poor countries, people tend to marry younger so maybe it's the same for states.

Maybe it's the teen pregnancy rate. True, a lot of girls get pregnant in high school, but to be fair, I don't think anyone on my list was knocked up at the time of the ceremony. Well, except maybe one. Plus, we're really not into shotgun weddings anymore. Now, when a girl has a surprise pregnancy, she usually has the baby which her mom ends up taking care of. Not ALL the time, but it happens often. Lots of kids are being raised by grandparents here.

By the way, I have a plan for cutting down on teen pregnancies! Are you ready? Mix birth control into the mashed potatoes in the school cafeteria! That would solve SO many of our problems! And don't stop with the mashed potatoes! Put that shit in the water fountains! In the milk cartons! Place 25-cent "Love Patch" dispensers in the bathrooms! You think I'm playing?? I'm serious! It would take years for anyone to suspect the secret ingredient in the mashed potatoes. If the government decided to implement my plan, this could go on for quite some time without being discovered.

Vote me for president 2034!

I've had it with American advertising!

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 04:41:42 GMT

Ok, I will start by saying that I understand the need to sell stuff. Companies exist because they sell stuff and make a profit so the employees can afford to live, eat and pay for their children's college tuition. I understand that companies need consumers to want their product. But I also understand that society pays a price when we surround our children from their earliest ages with messages that

1. Our most valuable people are skinny girls and muscular guys

2. Tanned skin is more desireable than any other skin color.

3. To get attention, girls have to be flirtatious and draw attention to their bodies. Blond hair is especially desireable.

4. To be desireable, guys have to be muscular, confident and athletic. Tall, dark and handsome, to be precise.

I'm so tired of what these messages have done to my generation. I'm tired of my friends (both guys AND girls) critisizing themselves because they're not Ken and Barbie. I have found that there are so few people who are really comfortable with their bodies. Even people who look and act confident will surprise you with what they don't like about their bodies. And that's really sad.

There's a personal connection here I'll explain.

I have one sibling, an older sister. She and my mom were insecure about their bodies for a long time. Why? Because they have very small breasts. Both have seriously considered getting a boob job, but neither have gone through with it. I have very small breasts too. 32 A to be exact, but it never has bothered me too much. Even in the jr high-high school years, I was pretty self-confident and didn't much care if people thought I was weird or different. Point in case:

When I was 13ish, my mom came home from the store with a shopping bag and said she got something for me. When she pulled out a padded bra, I was a little upset and told her she would just have to take it back because I liked myself the way I was and I didn't need a padded bra to feel good about myself. Plus, wouldn't it be weird if I showed up to school one day with boobs? Everyone knows they don't grow overnight! Mom tried to convince me to wear it, but to no avail. I don't know what she did with it after that, but I sure as hell didn't take it! Lol, I was a stubborn kid!

I know my mom was doing the best she could and she wanted to save me from the insecurities that she suffered, but thankfully I didn't need saving.

Unfortunately, a lot of kids do. Thank you American advertising and Hollywood for contributing to the insecurities of children everywhere! I don't know how you sleep at night.